Crazy Cullen Moments
by ToBiteOrNotToBite
Summary: Funny one shots about the Cullen's including Bella's zany everyday life. Cherries, Coffee, drugs anonymous, and poodles? better than summary. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

This is an idea for a story I had. It is a one-shot, but I will continue adding little stories if you would like me to. Please review.

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BPOV 

I never thought that I would enjoy this new food. Before now, the thought of it repelled me. Now all I could do was smile as the red juice fell from my teeth and onto my glittering neck. I couldn't stop. One after another until the front of my shirt was stained dark red. It was amazing how much I craved the taste, the smell.

My thoughts were interrupted by someone slamming through the front door to my house. The splintered wood fell in huge pieces around the floor. It was either the work of a very strong burglar, or a small effort put forth by a vampire.

I whipped my pale face up to look into the topaz eyes of my intruder. I smiled devilishly as I licked the red juice off the corners of my mouth.

EPOV

Alice had the familiar blank look on her face. Curious as to what her vision was about, I went to read her mind. Images flooded into my head. Bella screaming at the top of her lungs. A second image of some dark red liquid running down her neck. The third and final image was of bright sparkles against her pale skin.

I wasn't able to think rationally. She may already be a vampire by now. I ran as fast as I could out the door and through the woods. It only took me about half a minute before I reached her house. I didn't stop and take the time to open the door, but instead ran right through it.

Sure enough Bella's glittering form was sitting in the middle of her kitchen, covered in what must have been blood. My sweet, innocent Bella, damned eternally to be a vampire.

"Who bit you?" I screamed out. Her brown eyes widened at the level of my voice.

Wait...her brown eyes.

Reality set as I took a long glance at her. What should have been perfect sparkling diamonds were just flecks of pink and purple glitter. The red that covered her face and the front of her shirt had an odd smell to it.

"What the..." I started to ask.

"It isn't my fault; blame the cherries." Her hand gestured to a pile of discarded cherry pits and stems.

"I don't follow." I said, eager to hear how they could have possibly led to all of this confusion.

"Well, normally I hate cherries. I mean come on, they just look odd."

"Then why did you eat them?"

"I was getting to that part, I have to tell the whole story."

I rolled my eyes and she pretended not to notice.

"So, Charlie forgot to go grocery shopping. I woke up late this morning, but apparently we were out of irritable grizzlies. I thought that I might as well try the cherries."

"And so it begins," I mumbled.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you don't eat human food. Cherries are the best things ever. I started eating them so fast that I accidentally swallowed one of the pits."

"Can I trust you to do anything without almost killing yourself?"

"Stop interrupting or I won't tell you what happened."

Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

"Anyway, after I swallowed the pit I started screaming because it was choking me. I guess running around the kitchen wasn't such a good idea. A whole thing of glitter that had been laying out fell over onto me."

"Wait- why was there glitter out?" Bella was defiantly more unpredictable than I would have ever thought,

"I was practicing being a vampire." She said as if it were no big deal. I raised my eyebrows at her, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"When the glitter fell on me I tripped and coughed up the cherry pit. After that was over and done with, I decided to eat more cherries; but I ate them slower. The end."

I couldn't help but smile at her little story. How could I have not seen this before. Well, somebody I know saw it happen.

Alice...

I could faintly hear a laugh from somewhere behind the house. I was definitely going to get her back.

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	2. Chapter 2

First of all, thanks you to everybody who reviewed. Not all of these stories are in order, this one just happens to follow after the first. And I realized that I forgot to put a disclaimer in the story. Sorry!!

Disclaimer- I don't own any of these characters, I'm just the one who put them in situations they probably didn't want to be in.

BPOV

Edward was still being very overprotective since the cherry incident. He even warned Charlie that he shouldn't bring them home anymore! My favorite food in the world, gone before my eyes. One stupid accident with cherry pits, juice, and glitter and your banned for life.

I was making me way through the school lunch line, not seeing anything that could make me happy again. I looked up form my sulking just in time to see bottles of iced coffee. My eyes lit up with excitement. Who cares if I was dramatically affected by caffeine; I was in desperate need of a pick-me-up.

Fumbling the glass and almost dropping it, I halfway ran to buy it. I dug the money out of my pocket and threw it to the man working at the register.

"Thank you!" I screamed as I walked towards Edward.

He stared skeptically at me as he looked over my choice of drink.

"Bella," He said while pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

"What?" I said quickly, eager to open up my coffee.

"You know what caffeine does to you. You'll be hyper for a week."

"But Edward," I whined. "It's really good and delicious and right there!"

"So, you're really good and delicious and right there."

I crossed my arms and pouted, not caring that I probably looked like a first grader.Now how was I ever going to feel better?

As if sensing my disapointment, Edward leaned in and kissed me quickly on the lips.

"Did that help?" How could I resist those smoldering topaz eyes.

"Yes." Sometimes it was so easy to love him.

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Short..yes I know. But these are meant to be mini stories. Please review!!!! 


	3. Chapter 3

Sweet, seven reviews this time!!! Everybody who reviewed gets a cookie!!!

Disclaimer- I don't own the characters... I just gave them cherries!

EmPOV

"TRANSFORMERS, ROBOTS IN THE SKY!" I screamed as I ran around the house trying to find anyone to play with. Rose and Alice were out shopping, Carlisle is at the hospital, and Jasper(who was doing nothing at the time) thinks the game is too childish. I racked my brain for any other possible playmates. There was always my favorite clumsy human!

"Bella!" I called loudly. Why didn't she respond. I could clearly hear her and Edward upstairs laughing. Maybe they wanted me to come in. I ran as fast as I could up the stairs and into Edward's room.

Edward looked up from whatever he was doing with Bella to glare at me. "Did it ever occur to you that we were here because we wanted some privacy?" He said cooly.

"Not really."

"Well, would you want me to walk in on you and Rosalie in your room?"

"No, but everybody knows your not even going to do that until after your..."

He cut me off. "That's not the point Emmett!" The entire time this was going on Bella just sat on the edge of the bed blushing.

"Well, I didn't come in here to watch you too play board games, or whatever it is you do, I wanted to ask Bella something."

"Me?" She asked curiously.

"Yes! Do you want to play transformers?" I practically screamed out at her.

"Not really."

"How could you do this to me and Optimus Prime?? After all he's done for you!"

"What has that stupid little toy ever done for me?"

"GAH!" I screamed as I stormed out of the room.

I would show them to mess with me and optimus prime. I threw him into the air and shouted "TRANSFORM". He was supposed to become a bird, but the stupid toy didn't do anything but fly out the window. I heard a loud crashing sound as it went through the glass and down to the cars below. You could hear the sound of plastic bouncing against the metal of the car.

Please don't let it hit Rosalie's car!

I ran at vampire speed to inspect the damage. The jeep, Mercedes, Porsche, and M3 were all fine. All that leave is...the Volvo! Edward's most prized possession. On the hood of the car there is a huge scratch that runs about 3 inches. He was going to kill me if he found out!

I just had to keep my mind not thinking about it...

_Spider man Spider man_

_Does whatever a spider can_

I had to think of some way to cover that huge scratch! Have no fear...crayons are here. I grabbed my trust box of Crayola crayons out of my pocket. I never left the house out of them. Rosalie thought I was weird for doing so, but you never know when you may need them. I dug the stubby sliver crayon out of the bottom of the box, and began drawing.

I was in a very artistic mood. I found it hard to just stop coloring the Volvo. It was not cool enough for Edward's personality. About 20 minutes later, it was covered in blue and orange flames, dragons, and the occasional Lucky Charm. Nobody in my family knew this, but I still eat those every morning.

I was so into my art I didn't hear Edward come downstairs.

"Emmett..." I heard him say slowly and deadly.

"Yes Edward?" I asked innocently.

"I'm giving you 3 seconds to run."

He didn't have to tell me a second time, and I was out of there faster than lighting, with him trailing just behind me.

What did you guys think?? Review and tell me!!!!!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Next Chapter time! Thanks to everybody who reviewed! I might not be able to update as quickly because I have play practice starting up. I am playing Aunt Spiker in James and the Giant Peach (Sweet- I get to be mean!). Anyway-here we go. This is a mini chapter for morning- and a longer one should be along later.

BPOV

I couldn't help but laugh at Emmett appearance. He sat sulking in a corner just because Edward had beat him in that wrestling match over what he did to the Volvo, muttering curses every so often.

While he was man crying (A/N that what my guy buddy says when he's sulking) I tried to find somewhere to put my shoes and came across a closet of discarded junk.

"What's that Emmett?" I asked him.

"Leave me and Paco to man cry alone!" He yelled at me.

"Who is Paco?"

"My blue crayon." He said, stoking something with his left hand.

"Why is he man crying?

"Because your stupid vampire fiance snapped him in half."

"You colored his Volvo."

"I think it looks sexy now..."

Sometimes Emmett could be so weird! Though it's probably the reason I get along with him so well.

"Will you please just tell me why there is so many bits of wires and plastic in that closet? I tried to find a place to put my shoes and all I find is a room of..."

"Discarded game controllers." He finished my sentence for me.

"Why do you have so many broken controllers?"

"Because when you mix a low tolerance for loosing and vampire strength, things break.

"How many controllers are in there?"

"205 play-station, 69 game cube, 341 x-box controllers, and 78 game boys.

I let my mouth hang open in shock.

"If you think that's a lot you should see the room we have for storing new controllers."

Emmett Cullen never ceases to surprise me.

REVIEW PLEASE!


	5. Chapter 5

Sweet! I have 29 reviews now! Everybody gets a cookie! And cherries! And coffee!If the characters seem a little out of character, or ADHD...it's supposed to be like that! This chapter will be in the form of instant messenger. I think the names are self explanatory.

ONWARDS!

BiteTheKlutz: Hey Edward

VolvosRock: Hey

PossibleStalker: OMG HEY BELLA

VolvosRock: Who are you

PossibleStalker: Mike

BiteTheKlutz: O.0... stalker?

PossibleStalker: Ummm...

_PossibleStalker has left the room_

VolvosRock: Alice- did you know he was going to come to the chat?

ShortAndPsychic: Maybe ,.., (A/N lol its a vampire thing!)

BiteTheKlutz: Hey Alice

ShortAndPsycic: Bella! My Bff!

StrongerThanYou: Bella! How could you! I thought I was your Bff!

BiteTheKlutz: Awwww Emmett! I'm sorry! We can all be best friends!

Beautiful: Ehem...

VolvosRock: Rosalie...

TrustMeImADoctor: Kids, don't fight.

CleanYourRoom!!: Listen to your father.

OverEmpathetic: You guys are in the chat?

ShortAndPsychic: JAZZY!!!!!

OverEmpathetic: Must you call me that?

_PossibleStalker had entered the room_

PossibleStalker: HEY EVERYBODY!!!

_Everyone has left the room_

PossibleStalker: Was it something I said?

REVIEW IF YOU LOVE ME!!!_  
_


	6. Chapter 6

I'm so happy I got all of those review. It made me dance!! Whoever submits the 50th review will get a special chapter for them ( I will message you and ask what you want me to write about). So Review!!!!! It can be done by this chapter! Anyway...here is your chapter!

EmPOV

I was on my way to another session with Dr.Matt, our school guidance counselor. I had been sent there a lot over these past few years, though I can't imagine why. I am sound enough in mind and body to not need "evaluation". I'm just a hyper vampire who likes to have fun. See- completely normal.

Dr.MPOV

I sighed loudly as I heard Ms. Copes voice over the speaker system.

"Emmett Cullen is on his way to your office."

"Do I even want to what he did?" I asked.

"No."

This was going to be a very stressful session. I reached into my filing cabinet to find his folder. It wasn't hard to see. Through the thin yellow folders one was at least three inches thick with papers. All of the times Emmett had been sent to me, over four hundred. Sometimes they seemed like normal reasons, like him getting mad over someone staring at Rosalie. Other times though, they seemed downright crazy; like the time he got sent down here for wearing a very short and tight dress to school. I tried to confront him that his feelings were normal for a lot of people, but he refused to open up to me.

He walked into the office and I grabbed my pen and notepad, ready to take another stack of notes.

He sat himself down in the chair and propped his feet up on my desk, looking very sad and disappointed.

"Would you like to tell me why your teacher sent you down here?"

"Because..."

_Once again refusing to open up. Seems less happy and very emotional._

"Emmett, please talk to me about it."

His lip quivered and he looked like he was close to breaking down. "The teacher gave me an F on my writing project and I threw a fit."

"Do you have to paper with you? I would like to read it."

Emmett pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from his jacket. I could see the big red F scribbled at the top.

The Green bean War By Emmett Cullen

Once upon a time in a land called Kitchen there lived a green bean named Reginald (A/N omg... my drama teacher names all the naraotrs Reginald). He was so beautiful. His pod was a deep green and he had three separate beans inside of him. One day, as he was laying inside of the freezer, a giant hand came through the door and picked him and his friends up. They struggled to get away as the hand went to drop them in a pot of boiling water. Reginald was afraid that this would be the last time he would see his friends alive.

"We must fight!" Reginald screamed in Vegitablenese (the secret language of all vegetables). "Cauliflower, Corn, and Brussels Sprouts unite!"

All of the vegetables drew their mighty swords and began to attack the hand. The hand also had allies, and he called them to help. Many other hands joined the fight, squishing the vegetables with their strength.

By the end of the battle Reginald lay wounded on the counter, his pod split open and one of his beans missing. AS he lay dying on the battle Field, he couldn't help but feel a sense of pride that he had helped to end the war that threatened his kind for many years. The vegetables will survive!

"Emmett," I said after reading his very confusing story. "The assignment was to write about the war that you found most interesting."

He got a very defensive look on his face. "The war between man and produce has had me baffled for years. Was I so to express my opinion on the subject!"

"No...I just meant that I think she was looking for something along the lines of a war that has happened in real life."

"Are you doubting that this war isn't real?" He screamed at me.

"Of...OF course not. I'll talk to you teacher about changing your grade." And to a doctor about changing your medication I added mentally.

I dismissed Emmett from my office and added the sheets of notes to his folder. Emmett Cullen was not normal...

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Did ya'll like it? Review Now!!!! 


	7. Chapter 7

This chapter is for DisneyDork. She was the 50th reviewer!!!! I'll do special chapters every 50 review. So that means whoever is 100 (which will be in a long time) gets a chapter. And this one is longer compared to my other ones!!!!!!

Disclaimer- I own nothing. Not even this chapter idea!!

BPOV

I woke up as a woman on a mission. Jumping out of bed with some James Bond style move, I sprinted out of my bedroom door. "Hi Charlie, isn't it a wonderful morning?" I asked him as I planted a kiss on his cheek. I didn't have time to hear his mumbled response as I ran downstairs.

It just had to be here somewhere. I rummaged through every single drawer looking for what I needed...chocolate...and a lot of it. I wanted it all!

Charlie came down while I was tearing through the cabinets. "Why can't I find anything!" I screamed as tears started pouring down my face.

"Whats wrong Bells?" Charlie asked me. How could he ask me something like that? Wasn't it obvious?

"This is a life or death situation and your asking me whats wrong?!?!?!!?" I screamed at him.

"Y..y...yes." He said, clearly afraid.

Well wasn't that nice of him to be so concerned. "Yes, thanks for asking. Now, if you don't mind, I have to go to the grocery store."

I skipped upstairs to change out of my pajamas.

CPOV

Well, that was odd. I've never seen Bella so emotional. Shes always been so calm. My thoughts were interrupted by a loud angry scream.

"What is it Bella?" I asked.

She stormed downstairs in an angry rage. "I can't go to the store! These clothes make me look fat!"

"Bella honey, you look wonderful." How could she think she was fat?

She surprised me by breaking down in tears. "Your so good to me and I don't deserve you!"

I had to do something quick, Bella was going crazy. I picked up the phone and called Edward.

_Riiiiiiinnnnngggg_

"Hello" I heard a polite voice ask.

"Edward, its Charlie. Bella has gone crazy! Her emotions are everywhere. Please come help her!"

EPOV

What could be causing Bella to be so emotional? Charlie seemed very worried about the situation. I jumped into the Volvo and sped to her house.

When I came through the door I was shocked. Bella was on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Charlie looked near-tears also.

"Please try to help her!"

I walked over to her and picked her off the floor. "Bella, are you okay?"

"Yup!" She said in a happy tone and skipped off to the den. "Want to watch Titanic with me?"

"Um...Sure. Charlie, why don't you go upstairs and rest some, you look frazzled."

Charlie trudged upstairs as I grabbed a blanket for us. We sat on the couch and started watching the movie.

BPOV

Snuggled up next to Edward I couldn't help but feel a little better. It was just getting to the sad part of the movie. I couldn't help but start wailing again when Leo. Decaprio died.

"Why do the good die young?" I asked Edward with tears streaming down my face.

"Bella, its only a movie."

"Edward!!!!! How could you say such a thing?? Movies have feelings too!!!"

EPOV

While Bella buried her face in my shirt and cried I got out my phone and called Alice.

"Hello?" Came her soprano voice on the other line.

"Bella is going crazy. She so overly emotional and keeps changing her moods. Help!"

"Edward, by any chance do you know what PMS is?"

"No..."

"ILLBERIGHTOVER!" She screamed and the line went dead.

What in the devils name is PMS? Some sort of psycho disorder. Psycho Mean Sobbing disease?

Alice bolted through the door, carrying a pile of random junk in her arms.

"What is all of that?"

"Soap operas, chick flicks, chocolate, salty snacks, and Midol."

Bella's head popped up from the couch. "Midol? Chocolate?"

"YES!"

Alice ran over to the couch and Bella popped two of the pills into her mouth and swallowed gratefully. "Thanks Alice, your the best."

"What about me," I asked her, batting my eyelashes in an attempt to dazzle her.

"You would be better if you brought us hot chocolate" Alice said with a glare in my direction.

"Fine..." I sped out the door and to the grocery store, hoping this wouldn't be going on for long.

BPOV

Finally someone who understood why I was acting like this had come to spare me.

"All boys suck." I said, and Alice nodded her head in agreement.

"They are the reason the Earth is falling apart!"

"I couldn't agree more with you."

"I wonder if Edward thinks your going insane."

I laughed. "Oh well, I'll just magically be normal again in 5 days."

For the rest of out Girls Night sleepover we made Edward our slave, bringing us whatever we needed; tissues, candy, and other random things. Maybe someday he will learn.

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This Chapter is so TRUE!!! PMS is a total $!#$$.(oh- Midol is a medicine to help with PMS)Yesterday we had to explain to a boy in my class what certain items accosiated with PMS were. Anyway- REVIEW!!!!!

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